


Sparking a Fire

by mistspren



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Crack, Other, i am a stick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 21:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10396659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistspren/pseuds/mistspren
Summary: With apologies to the Cosmere Discord.Shallan realizes and acts on her feelings for everyone's favorite stick.EDIT: DISCLAIMER, since this is apparently not self-evident: THIS IS A BADFIC. It is not written with the intention to be good. It is a joke.





	

Shallan was feeling anxious. Why was she feeling anxious? It was because she had just realized she had feelings for someone she never expected.  
She always thought she only liked humans. Like Adolin. He was pretty hot. Also Jasnah but Jasnah was old so Shallan didn’t think about that as much. But adolin was hot. Oops I got distracted, thought Shallan romantically.  
Anyway the someone she was in love with was someone much smaller and woodier and inanimate-er than she had ever expected or known before. Yes, you guessed it! It was the stick. Shallan was in love with the stick. And now she was going to ask the stick out to go to a dancing party which Dalinar decided to hold in order to restore honor to the cosmere.  
Shallan walked on the plateau. She was looking for the stick. “Where is the stick?” she asked.  
“Bzzzz,” said Pattern, which in spren language meant “He’s right there, stupid.”  
“Oh,” said Shallan, tripping over the stick. “Whoops.” She blushed. “I’m sorry, stick! I didn’t see you there.”  
“I am a stick,” said the stick.  
“Uh,” said Shallan articulately and romantically.  
“I am a stick?” said the stick questioningly.  
“Hi, stick,” said Shallan bashfully. She stood up and then kneeled down so she could see the stick. “I just wanted to ask you something.” She blushed more.  
“I am a stick,” stick said stickily.  
“Stick, I know you’re an inanimate object, but I’m feeling things for you which I have never felt for anyone ever before.” Shallan blushed redder than a ruby sphere which was full of glowing Stormlight.  
“I am a stick,” stick said encouragingly.  
Shallan felt heartened. She picked up the stick and held it close to her face and did her best seductive smile. It actually looked more like a nervous axehound eating a vinebud but stick didn’t have eyes so it didn’t matter. “Stick, I really like you,” she said. “Do you want to start a fire with me?” She tried to wink but her eye got stuck. Whatever.  
Stick wiggled out of her grasp. “I AM A STICK!” it yelled.  
Shallan’s hands flew to her mouth. “I’m so sorry about the phrasing!” she gasped maidenly. “I didn’t mean to mention fire. I know that’s a touchy subject with you.”  
“I am a stick,” stick sticked stickingly.  
“I just wanted to say that I want to-” Shallan put her mouth very close to the stick and whispered something. She whispered for almost two minutes. Steam started coming out of her ears and her face glowed redder than the Everstorm.  
Shallan moved back. The stick burst into flames.  
“Oops,” Shallan said.

**Author's Note:**

> please don't kill me


End file.
